Recently a reader asked me to write on the topic of jealousy. It's not an easy topic to explore because it is an emotion that defies logic. Jealousy is about fear of loss, lack of trust and a belief in the scarcity principle. The scarcity principle is when people believe that there is only so much of anything in the world and one must fight for a share. One thing seems to be true: the lower a person's sense of self-worth the more likely jealousy will occur. Another truth is people have to get self-worth all by themselves; you cannot give it to them. You can accept them, love them unconditionally and reassure them, but it only goes so far with a jealous person.
Jealousy and envy are not the same thing. Envy covets another's possessions or experiences--often sending out feelings of bitterness, resentment and ill will. Envy wants what another person has. Jealousy is about possessiveness; it is about control, ownership, management and command. Jealousy projects lack of confidence and insecurity; it seeks to protect the status quo and keep threats of loss at bay. Jealousy refuses to recognize the rights and personhood of another individual, and instead guards that individual and fears abandonment.
Sibling jealousy is caused when one child feels less important to the family or feels that a sibling is taking away something that belongs to him/her such as love. Many families fail to make it known that there is enough love to go around, so it is seen as a limited commodity and therefore something to be fought over. Parents are often guilty of using this jealousy as a way to keep children in line. Parents are also often guilty of preventing their children from forming relationships with people outside the family out of a misguided possessiveness and a belief in the scarcity of love and loyalty.
There is mother-daughter jealousy, father-son jealousy or jealousy when a parent perceives that a child has a better relationship with their partner than they do or when a parent is jealous of a grandparent's devotion to a child. Some parents envy a child's youthfulness and energy and ridicule or punish the child under the guise of positive criticism. Stepparents are often jealous of children who came before them. Parents even give up children in an effort to pacify a jealous spouse. People usually are ashamed of their jealousy and envy, and try to hide it and deny it, making up excuses for why they behave the way they do.
If envy wants what someone else has and jealousy is trying to keep what one has, how does one deal with these feelings? For a healthy person to feel a mild version of either of these emotions is only human. And a little envy or jealousy can actually spur a person on to becoming something greater in a good way. When trouble starts is when either of these emotions begin to rule the life of the one feeling them and the lives of those who are connected to them.
Sometimes friends and spouses try to keep a loved one all to themselves, fearing the loss of that person if they interact with others. Jealousy holds people hostage and builds a wall of suspicion and mistrust. When the green-eyed monster becomes overly possessive and controlling that can be fatal to a relationship and even threaten the very lives of the people involved. Most murder-suicides are the result of a jealous rage. Most batterers are consumed with jealousy and envy and would rather see their partner dead than happy with someone else. Many spouses find themselves controlled and restricted as they make an effort to keep the peace with a jealous partner.
Jealousy is a painful and unnecessary emotion. If you find yourself feeling it or being controlled by it check your feelings of self-worth, question your lack of trust (is it based on reality?), and work hard to find the self-confidence and security that comes with knowing that you are a valuable, worthwhile human being just by virtue of the fact that God chooses for you to exist.
Evelyn Leite has been a family systems therapist since 1980. Highly regarded for her seminars in multicultural counseling and education, she gives special attention to issues with people from varying cultural and ethnic backgrounds. She has designed and implemented many family programs and is proficient in spiritual and grief counseling. She founded Living With Solutions in 1989 to help her clients and their families heal.
She told me this story and asked that I pass it on because maybe it will save someone's life.
"It was Labor Day. I had lost my mother, and then my brother hung himself, a series of events that had me confused and numb. I had no feelings anywhere; it was like I was in someone else's body going through motions like a robot. A friend invited me over to his house early in the afternoon. When I got there a lot of people were sitting around the table just 'bulbing it up.' "Try it," they said, "it will make you feel better." I watched them for a while. I saw a woman take a light bulb, carefully twist the end off and painstakingly clean out the inside of the bulb, then tape the end of the bulb, leaving room for a hard plastic straw. The straw has to be hard. I watched from a place of total indifference and unconcern. Something in me said I should get away from here, I should not do this, but I didn't care what happened to me now. I watched as she poured a little packet of meth in the bulb and shook it down, then put the straw in and got out her lighter. Everyone who uses meth has a lot of lighters. The lighter was held to the bottom of the bulb for a long time. When the bulb turned yellow and filled up with smoke, my boyfriend handed it to me and told me to inhale long and slow through the straw.
At first I felt nothing, then my head started to tingle, with a whoosh and a rush of lightning. I was suddenly on top of the world. I never felt so good before. I cannot describe the ecstasy, the elation, and the euphoria; suddenly I was somebody. I was invincible, witty, and clever, out there, full of energy. We did about $400 worth of meth and stayed up all night. We drank beer but it had no effect on me for a long time. The alcohol lies in wait until the meth wears off. When the beer hit my brain at 9:00 the next morning, I passed out and the next thing I knew it was 10:00 oâclock at night. When I woke up I smelled it right away. I did it again. People came and went and brought more. We went on and on without sleep for days. People leaving would douse themselves with perfume to cover the smell.
I had never been a pot smoker, but I learned that the only way to come down from the meth high was to smoke pot; otherwise the pain of just stopping was unbearable.
I tried to quit. The depression was worse than being buried alive in dark, stone cold, musty soil. My windows had to be covered with foil to keep all the light out because light was unbearable. I did not want to talk to anybody, see anybody, or even live. I just wanted to lie there all alone in the dark totally worthless, full of rage, nerves raw, body rubbish, unable to eat, quivering, and shaking with cold chills and sweating profusely with meth coming out of every pore in my body. I could tell no one what was happening to me. There was no one I could trust. My daughter fed, bathed, and took care of the younger kids; she begged me to be the mother I used to be and helped me to the bathroom. Time was suspended in cold murky pain that went on and on.
When I could get myself out of the bedroom I went to the Dr. and asked him to give me something for depression. I did not tell him about the meth and he would not give me anything. The only way out of the living hell was to use meth again. When I could not get meth I used whatever was available, cocaine, pot, alcohol, mostly I lived in a blackout. Other people where like ghosts and shadows, it did not matter if they were there or not as long as the drug was.