• Feels unable to leave the nest or has to use anger and bad feelings to cut ties with family or employers.
• Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval (this does not include fear of retaliation from an abuser)
• Feeling required or obliged to do anything to keep the peace with others because of fear of abandonment.
• A lack of self-esteem or self-confidence in own judgment and ability.
• Lack of boundaries; telling indiscriminate information to anyone who listens.
• Having to ask permission of a partner, including spending money, authority to speak, using the car, etc.
• Seeking information in a stealthy way, looking through drawers, private records, purses or billfolds.
• Thoughts of suicide after a loved one's death or a divorce.
• Feelings of being stuck or trapped in job or relationship.
• Going to excessive lengths to obtain nurture and support. i.e. having sex you don'€™t want or doing things you don'€™t want to do that are harmful to you to "get love."
• Feeling uncomfortable and helpless when alone and unable to tolerate silence.
• Urgently seeking another relationship when a close relationship ends or even before it ends.
• Unrealistically preoccupied with what a loved one is doing or thinking.
• Having delusive expectations of how a spouse, parent or child should behave.
• Being in training all your life for a job or position and afraid to take the next step.
• Being excessively hurt by other people's words or behaviors.
• Being embarrassed by a family member's behavior as if they are a reflection of your worth.
• Feeling happy and successful only if your partner or family member is feeling that way.
• Taking a submissive role in relationships and doing things such as smoking, eating, drinking, only when you are away so you can't be criticized by a loved one.
• Lying or distorting the truth to get your point across.
• Feeling empty and fearful much of the time.
• Having free floating anxiety and panic attacks.
• Using the silent treatment to punish loved ones.
• Allowing someone else to make decisions for you or tell you what to do.

---

Evelyn Leite, is Author, Counselor, Trainer and founder of Living with Solutions. She has been helping clients deal with issues of grief and loss, trauma, abuse, and addiction for 28 years.

"All happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own fashion." From Anna Karenia by Leo Tolstoy

Mental illness in a family may be passed down from one generation to another. It can be hereditary or acquired. It may come from stress, brain injury, traumatic experiences, child abuse, substance abuse, a chemical exposure, organic causes or a family coping pattern.

Statistics show that one in every four people has a short or long term mental or emotional illness. This creates confusion and often pandemonium in a family. In the old days people were locked in attics or basements or thrown into a sanitarium never to be heard from again. Would it surprise you to learn that in many areas this still happens with many variations?

Mental illness is hard to pinpoint. Depression, anxiety, bipolar illness, personality disorders often have to go on a long time before the person is willing to get help and this is exacerbated by the family's denial. They often try to force the person to shape up using threats or bribery, or try to ignore the problem, or make excuses and plan life around the ill person's behavior. The ill person may be self medicating with drugs or alcohol or isolating from the rest of the family. They may appear hostile or lethargic or sad all the time; they may be suicidal. They are always self-absorbed. They might be cutting themselves or binging on food.

When there is a mentally ill person in the family the whole family might feel bad or crazy. There are feelings in the family of denial, guilt, embarrassment, distortion of reality, blame, fear and anger. How can the family be sure there is an illness? How is it to be dealt with? Couldn't the person just get better on his/her own without all this confusion? "Maybe if we just ignore it then it will go away and is it really that bad anyway?" Who can we go to for help?

There is an organization called NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill.) They offer a free 12-week course for family members of the mentally ill. Those family members who are at the end of their rope or who want the best for their loved one would be well advised to dial 211, the SD Helpline or go on line to www.nami.org. Or if it is an alcohol or drug problem call AA or Al-anon. Put aside your fear of being disloyal, be willing to reach out and when you do you will find willing supportive arms waiting for you.

---

Evelyn Leite is a counselor with 28 years of experience in addictions, mental health and grief work. She is the author of 8 published books and numerous articles. She founded Living With Solutions in 1989 to help people learn how to help themselves.